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Kyo's Journal

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Dear Journal,
It's not an easy thing. But it shouldn't be a difficult thing either. I know I'm not the only person in the world with trouble showing feelings. But why does it alwasy turn to burning anger? The kind that makes me want to hurt someone or something. Why do I want to hit something so badly? I mean, I understand if I want to hit Yuki, but there is reaon for that. That silver haired bastard. But then I saw her.. nothing has ever made me want to control my anger. I thought it was the best thing about me honestly. It showed other people I wasn't one to fuck with. I didn't want to change. I never did. Until I saw and met her. She makes me want to change. But why? And don't get me wrong. I know why. I'm in love with her. But I know what love is. Well, maybe not so clearly. I mean, I think the word "love" can have a variety of related but distinct meanings in different contexts. Often, other languages use multiple words to express some of the different concepts that English relies mainly on "love" to encapsulate; one example is the plurality of Greek words for "love." Cultural differences in conceptualizing love thus make it doubly difficult to establish any universal definition. Although the nature or essence of love is a subject of frequent debate, different aspects of the word can be clarified by determining what isn't love. As a general expression of positive sentiment (a stronger form of like), love is commonly contrasted with hate (or neutral apathy); as a less sexual and more emotionally intimate form of romantic attachment, love is commonly contrasted with lust; and as an interpersonal relationship with romantic overtones, love is sometimes contrasted with friendship, although the word love is often applied to close friendships. When discussed in the abstract, love usually refers to interpersonal love, an experience felt by a person for another person. Love often involves caring for or identifying with a person or thing (cf. vulnerability and care theory of love), including oneself (cf. narcissism). In addition to cross-cultural differences in understanding love, ideas about love have also changed greatly over time. Some historians date modern conceptions of romantic love to courtly Europe during or after the Middle Ages, although the prior existence of romantic attachments is attested by ancient love poetry. Because of the complex and abstract nature of love, discourse on love is commonly reduced to a thought-terminating cliché, and there are a number of common proverbs regarding love, from Virgil's "Love conquers all" to The Beatles' "All You Need Is Love". St. Thomas Aquinas, following Aristotle, defines love as "to will the good of another." Bertrand Russell describes love as a condition of "absolute value," as opposed to relative value.[citation needed] Philosopher Gottfried Leibniz said that love is "to be delighted by the happiness of another." Biologist Jeremy Griffith defines love as "unconditional selflessness". Love is sometimes referred to as being the "international language", overriding cultural and linguistic divisions. All of it. All of it is how I feel about her. And for some reason, I'm just fine with it. I think I felt this way about someone when me an Yuki were younger. She was a small, beautiful and quiet girl. She was somewhat like Tohru and FUCK! GOD DAMN IT, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? I never wanted to change the way I am and she just makes me--- makes me wanna---- god damn it. I just can't explain it. I just gave you a whole definition of love and can't even explain how love applies to us two. If there is a "two of us". Maybe she just thinks of me as a friend. Or maybe, she thinks nothing of me. I push her away, but it's only because that's my nature. My whole family pushed me away so it's only my nature to push others away. The first thing I did after taking off into the woods was cry. Yeah I know. The big tough guy here, cried. I mean, it wasn't sad tears. It was angry tears. I was so disgusted with myself and so angry with myself that I didn't even attempt to hold back my stupid fucking anger. I felt so done and fed up with myself that I wanted to just lay there until a bear came by and mauled me to death and left me to bleed and die. I still now regret not giving her a chance. Our first meeting, she changed me into my cat form. I do hate when that happens, majorly because it happens when I get hugged and I hate to be touched, let alone hugged. But for some reason.. i felt good when she did it. Almost warm.. and comforting. She hugged Yuki all the time, but lightly so he didn't turn into his dirty rat form. The bastard. I think she may be afraid of me even, journal. If so, it's my fault. Like I said, I pushed her away and if she hates me, not even, but is afraid of me, it's my fault. I do love her though. Journal, do you hear me? I love her. I love Tohru. But, if I don't change sooner or later, she'll be as good a gone.
Good night I guess,
Kyo.
An entry for a journal of Kyo Sohma from a new amazing anime I watch, Fruits Basket.
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